I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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