I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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