I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
