I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
