she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
