I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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