went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
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My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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