I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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