I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Someone shit on the floor
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
