he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
