Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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