I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
