In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
