I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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