if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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