So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
