Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
