his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
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Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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