dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
