I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
