fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am mentally ready for anal.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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