my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Did I show you my penis last night?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
