I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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