matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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