I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
