mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
