Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
