the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
