why do cheetos always look like penises
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
