lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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