Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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