Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
