I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
