life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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