i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
