If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
