I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this will be a night to untag.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.