He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
