I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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