I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
