If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
