haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
