i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
