The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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