checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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