ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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