then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
