i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
3pm strippers are depressing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
