Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
