We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
