I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out