Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game