if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He passed out mid-signature
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.