Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
