life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
