note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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