i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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