The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
