every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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