I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
